


Were you that lonely?

by kackington



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 19:21:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14267865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kackington/pseuds/kackington
Summary: I finished—well, almost finished—Doki Doki Literature Club about a month ago. I found that I couldn't bring myself to delete Monika's character file, so now, every day, I would be greeted by Monika in her dimly lit classroom. That's how it was, until today. Today, on a cold February morning, I meet Monika for the first time. (Monika/Female Reader)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!! I've been writing this fic and posting it over on FF for a few months, so I have quite a bit of work to post all at once... anyway, this was originally going to be a one shot, but it kind of evolved into a whole story haha. I still have a chapter or two left to write, so until then, please enjoy what I've got so far!! Also, here's my original note from my posting over on FF...  
> Monika? In MY house? Okay, I'll admit it, I usually find these fics to be super ridiculous, but they're my guilty pleasure. There are a few out there that I really do genuinely enjoy. Although a majority of them, obviously, are written from a boy's perspective. So, I thought I'd get these feelings off my chest and write my own little bit of fluff— for all the girls who fell in love with Monika, including myself. So yeah, this is a Monika/Female Reader fanfic! If you're a guy, I hope this doesn't discourage you from reading; although I did want to write this for other women who want to see themselves in a fic like this, for the most part I keep it pretty neutral. It's only obvious in some places that the character is a woman. Monika doesn't refer to the main character by name, so please feel free to enjoy this as if the character is you, regardless of gender haha. I tried to stay vague with the main character, but her thoughts come from a very real place, so I'm hoping that, by being open, other people that like Monika can relate to her. So yeah! Just wrote this for fun. Now that it's out of my brain I feel better. :)

I finished—well, almost finished—Doki Doki Literature Club about a month ago. I found that I couldn't bring myself to delete Monika's character file, so now, every day, I would be greeted by Monika in her dimly lit classroom when I would go to my computer to work. Keeping the game open, and occasionally pulling the window up to glance at her. It was comforting.

The game originally caught my eye when I first saw the promotional art; four cute girls posed femininely on the game's Steam page. The girl in the very front reaching her hand out towards me, inviting me to spend time with the four of them. This game, like most other dating sims, didn't offer the player the option to play as a girl. But as long as I got to see some cute girls, I didn't mind being referred to as "he" for the duration of my time with them. Despite dressing itself up as the usual eye candy that I was used to indulging in, the game was nothing like I had seen before. It captivated me. She captivated me.

Monika.

At first I found her omnipotence kind of off putting, but after going through every bit and every piece of the game; all of her dialogue and all of her secrets, I found that I had grown very fond of the young woman. I would even go as far to say that I was in love her. She was just a normal girl who didn't have anyone. I felt as though I could empathize with her; even though I'm positive that my own situation would never be as bad hers.

I would never say I condone her actions, but I understood where they came from. It was all just a game. And at the end of the day, I knew she, too, was just another piece of the game; programmed to act as if she were real. The moment her dialogue began to loop in her classroom, I felt my heart sink. She wasn't real. But, after finding that the only way to finish the game was to delete her, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

So now, every day, just like she wanted me to, I would spend time with Monika. Part of me felt bad for keeping her this way. But I was selfish. I kept her with me. I didn't want to let her go. I was scared to let her go. "Were you that lonely?" I guess I was.

It was a cold February morning when I wandered down the stairs, heading straight to my computer, a lot of work ahead of me. I suddenly feel fully awake and aware when I noticed my desk. My stomach sank as I stood there, motionless. Monitor and keyboard toppled over, my chair tipped backwards. What happened? Did someone break in? It looks as if everything is still here, it's just a complete mess.

I suddenly hear something stirring from underneath the desk. Whatever it is, it's obscured by the chair. My breathing becomes ragged, but I work up the courage to slowly approach the desk. Peering over the chair, my eyes widen.

Laying there on the floor, curled on her side, is a young woman that I recognize. She groans, picking herself up. Her eyes open slowly, glancing around until she notices me standing over her. At first, her eyes are fearful. But after staring at me for a moment, her face changes. She looks... ecstatic.

Picking herself up, she throws her arms around me. I can't hold her, so the two of us fall backward onto the floor. I gasp sharply as we hit the ground.

"It really is you! I'm—oh, god, I'm sorry! I just can't believe it! I'm—" the young woman is talking a mile a minute. She reaches out and touches my face. She's smiling, her eyes are brimming with tears. She continues talking, but all I see is her. My heart is pounding.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry, oh my god,"

I snap out of it as she begins to move off of me, sitting up on her knees by my side. She laughs.

"I'm so happy to see you."

Still staring at her, I sit up. I'm at a loss for words. She laughs again, wiping the tears from her eyes. My mouth feels dry.

"I'm sorry for scaring you like that. I just can't believe it..." For the first time since she pounced on me, she looks away from my face, and glances around the room.

"I... I don't—d-don't unders—understand... how... how did you..." I finally manage to say something. Monika's eyes come back to me the moment I start speaking. The way she's smiling at me makes me feel lightheaded.

"I don't know how I got here either, but," she replies, able to understand what I'm getting at, "I'm just so happy to be here with you." Her hand reaches out and grabs my own. She cups my hand with hers, and she pulls me closer to her. She's unbearably excited, but somehow she manages to look so gentle and calm. "I'm dreaming, aren't I?" She asks softly, looking up at me for a response.

All I can do is shake my head.

I eventually manage to pull myself together before showing Monika over to the couch. She's as clumsy as I am as she gets up. It's really cute. We sit there quietly for a few minutes, staring at each other intently.

"Can I, um..." Monika started, fiddling with a strand of hair as her eyes flicker away from me. "Listen... to your heartbeat?" She glances back up, a sheepish smile on her face.

That's right. I almost forgot how important this was to her. I never got to experience Monika's song for myself, but thanks to the internet I was already well aware of it. My heartbeat. That steady sound that told me that I was alive. That I was real. Monika wanted to hear it. She wanted it to tell her that I was really here, with her.

I could feel my face heat up. After sitting in silence for a few seconds, Monika pipes up softly.

"It—it's okay if you don't want me to, I understand that it's—"

"No! No, Monika, I, uh..."

Monika's sad smile suddenly brightens when I called her by name. She waits for me to continue my thought; her face is so sincere. This look embarrasses me so badly, I have to look away to continue speaking.

"I...I'm— I don't mind. It's okay."

I can feel my heart pounding in my ears now. It'll be embarrassing having her listen to my heartbeat when it's beating so quickly, but I don't want to deny her of this. It's glaringly obvious that, while she's excited to be here, part of her is afraid. She's afraid that this isn't real. Although I was dazed, I did notice that she did say "I can't believe it" a good amount of times when she first woke up. I have to reassure her that this, right now, is real. She's here, and she's with me.

I work up the courage to meet her eyes once more, offering her a smile; trying to reassure her. There's a lingering moment of silence between us as she beams in response. We hold each other's stares for another few seconds before she, almost too excitedly, falls into me. Without meaning to, I make an awkward noise as I try to keep the two of us from tumbling backwards again. Her head and her hands, fingers curled, were now resting squarely on my breast, ear pressed against the left side of my chest. Not sure what to do with my hands, I awkwardly place them slightly behind me, flat on the couch. I puff out my chest, as if that would help her hear any better.

I'm stiff, trying hard to concentrate on keeping my awkward pose as she lays there dreamily, looking as if she could fall asleep right there on my chest. It's quiet now, and I find myself glancing around the room awkwardly, trying not to stare at the girl on top of me. It feels like time is standing still. I'm not sure how long we stay like this, but I'm suddenly brought back from my thoughts when I hear Monika draw a shaky breath. I quickly look down to find her crying.

"Ah—"

My back, which was arched not even a moment ago, was now hunched over her. In the same motion I moved my hands so they were hovering slightly above her, wanting to reach out and comfort her, but still too timid to do so.

"Monika..."

She turns her head forward, facing my chest, with a smile on her face.

"I'm sorry, I'm just—" she inhales sharply "—I just can't believe it. You're real. You're here, and you're real."

She quietly says the phrase "you're real" a few more times, more to herself than to me, as she buries her face in my chest, trying to stifle her sobs. My timid disposition is thankfully overpowered by the need to comfort her. Without thinking my arms wrap around her and pull her closer. She continues her crying into the crook of my neck. It feels as if my body is on fire. Being this close to someone in such a vulnerable moment is strange to me. But this is how you comfort someone you love, right? I have to power through it for her.

We sit there for some time while I try my best to console her; rubbing her back and affectionately whispering "it's okay" over and over again. Monika eventually pulls herself up, rubbing her eyes and steadying her breaths. She's still leaning on me. I gently push away from her so I can make eye contact.

"How are you feeling?"

She smiles at me. She's a mess, but she still manages to make my heart race just by glancing in my direction.

"A lot better, thank you." Her soft smile slowly turns into a grin. She laughs quietly to herself. "You're so warm. I kind of don't want to get up."

She shifts her weight back into me, closing the gap I had put between us just a moment ago. I swallow hard.

"A-are you hungry? I'll make us some lunch. You can go wash up—uh, I don't exactly have a lot of... cute clothes, but—" I quickly pull myself away from her and hop off of the couch. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Monika slump over where I had just been before sitting back up. The look on her face... is she pouting? "—but um... ah, I have plenty of clothes for you to wear until we go get you your own. We can do that tomorrow."

Whatever emotion Monika was just feeling, it was gone when I turned back to face her. Her eyes were now wide with excitement.

"You... you're going to get me my own clothes?"

"Yeah, of course," I recall her bit dialogue in the classroom concerning her school uniform. "I mean, I can't ask you to wear your uniform all the time, can I?" I chuckle awkwardly. Her smile is the last thing I see before she leaps off of the couch, throwing her arms around my neck. I stumble but I manage to catch myself, and her, wrapping my arms around her middle in return. I can hear her trying to suppress the urge to cry again.

"Thank you, so much... I can't believe that I thought that you hated me."

I didn't hate her, at all. In fact, I loved her. I was in love with this girl from a video game. Oh, god, there's really something wrong with me, isn't there? But she was here now, so I suppose that made it okay, right? I try to put my feelings into a cohesive sentence.

"I-I don't hate you. I— uh, I actually, really... l-like you, Monika."

I couldn't say love. My mouth couldn't form the word. Still, this seemed to please her.

"How did I get so lucky?" She squeezes me, nuzzling her face into my neck. I feel like I should be the one saying that.

I give Monika a change of clothes and show her to the bathroom. I leave her to it, but not before she makes a passing comment about me washing her clothes as she hands them to me neatly folded from behind the door. I quickly snatch the clothes from her and close the door as retreats into the bathroom. I can hear her laughing behind the door; and something about how I'm cute when I'm embarrassed. Because of Monika's comment I quickly toss her clothes into the wash without even glancing at the machine, then move on to the kitchen.

Now that she's here, I'll have to rethink how I'm living. Of course, we hadn't really talked about it yet, but it feels as if we both know that we're stuck with each other now. Not that I mind. It might be a lot to think about, but I suddenly find myself smiling. Living alone was okay, but now I had someone I loved here with me. That was exciting. I start thinking about the little things; the foods we can make, the movies we can watch. I'm sure I have a goofy grin on my face. I pull myself together and start preparing something... anything. I remember that Monika mentioned she was a vegetarian. It's so cold out, so I settle on making some vegetable soup. She might like that, right?

After fumbling around trying to find a recipe online that I could actually reproduce with the limited ingredients I had, I manage to get some soup in the pot. Taking it out to the living room, I set the bowls down on the coffee table and wait for Monika to finish up. It doesn't take her too long; soon after I sat down on the couch, she comes bounding down the stairs in a big pullover hoodie and sweat pants, her bow neatly tying her hair back.

"You said you didn't have any cute clothes," Monika swings her hips from side to side, "but I think that your clothes are super cute. They definitely look cute on you~"

Oh, god, I can practically hear the damn tilde in her voice. Most of my clothes were definitely more for comfort rather than style, so it feels like Monika said this just because she's convinced that I'm cute... oh, god, she thinks I'm cute. Monika covers her smile with an oversized sleeve when she sees my face flush. I can tell she's laughing. It's not at me, obviously, but not being used to this kind of teasing makes me feel as if she is. I knew that if I said this to her she would never flirt with me again. Deep down I was enjoying it, and knew I would, eventually, grow comfortable enough with her to reciprocate these gestures.

"Ah, I think that they look really c-cute on you, t-too!"

God, I sound stupid stuttering like that. Monika seems to like this, though. She grins before plopping into the couch uncomfortably close to me. I try to shift my weight, but she scooches closer.

"You're such a sweetheart."

Her words are like honey. She settles into the couch, pressing into my shoulder with her own. How can she be so comfortable with me? Being this close to someone you have feelings for is almost unbearable. It was one thing to imagine being with her, but actually being with her was so intimidating. Is this how Yuri felt? I wouldn't dare ask Monika. I breathe deeply.

"Here, uh, I made us some soup—" I use this as an excuse to get up, retrieving the soup from the coffee table. Handing her a bowl, she picks up the spoon and stares at it in awe. "I'm sorry that this is your first meal here. I wasn't, um, expecting a guest today."

She looks up at me, eyebrows furrowed as if I had just insulted her. "Don't you say that!" She waves her spoon at me. I try not to laugh as I sit back down beside her, holding my own bowl. "I'll have you know that I'm really excited that my first meal in this reality was made by my wonderful girlfriend." She coos when saying that last bit. I'm already in the middle of eating, and I try not to choke when hearing her say this.

"I made it with love." I say after I've cleared my throat. Her eyes light up, her smile making me shrink back in embarrassment. The way she looks at me... I don't feel like I deserved to be looked at this way. I suppose going from no one looking at you like this, to suddenly having someone you love looking at you this way every time she glances in your direction can be overwhelming. At least it was for me. It's a look of unconditional love and affection, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she'd feel this way about me.

"I love you." She says it so matter-of-factly. My heart is caught in my throat. I try to say something, but I can't. She lets me off the hook this time though, smiling at me before focusing on her food. After trying a spoonful, her eyes light up again.

"Is it okay?"

"It's so good!" Suddenly she's eating faster than I was. I try to hold back my laughter, but I can't help it. She's adorable. We quietly eat our food, enjoying each other's company.

After finishing our food, we find ourselves on the couch again. Monika sighs, content and full. Much like before, she tries to sneak close to me, leaning into me again. I have to be confident. Fake it 'til you make it. I remember Monika saying something similar in regard to confidence. It seemed like I agreed with her often when she would cycle through her conversations. And now she's here, with me, free to talk to me as much as she'd like.

I finally find the confidence to lean back into her. She hums happily, and we both enjoy the moment. She eventually looks to my hands, which were kept on my lap, and places her own hand on top of mine. My face ignites.

"Monika," I started "you really don't mind that I'm, uh, ya know... a girl?"

She stares at me quizzically.

"Of course I don't," she holds my gaze, her hands idly fiddling with my own, "Why would I mind? I fell in love with you."

She fell in love with me.

"Uh, I mean," I turn to face her, glancing down at our hands before cautiously taking her hand in mine, "you kept calling me your boyfriend, so I wasn't sure. I guess I assumed you were..." My voice trailed off, focusing on our hands. I gently stroked the back of her hand with my thumb.

I would never tell her, but the number of times Monika referred to me as her "boyfriend" while scrolling through her end game text bothered me. Normally I didn't mind when playing other dating sims. Of course, it's only natural to assume that a boy would play a game about cute girls, but there was something about her.

"Well," she looks away from me, her eyes falling where mine were; staring at our hands. "I actually realized that you were a girl when I saw you, but I didn't want to make it too obvious that..." her speech slows as she suddenly feels my hands tense up. "...that I, uh..." she clears her throat "was... looking through your files... so I kept calling you my... boyfriend so you wouldn't notice... that I—"

That would explain why she knew who I was when she first saw me. Out of embarrassment, I pull my hands away and cover my face. I can see her hands try to follow mine through my fingers.

"Oh, god."

"I'm so, so sorry—" she speaks softly, "I'm sorry for looking through your stuff. I'm sorry, I was... I was being selfish."

My face is on fire. The things she combed through; all the files, all the images, all the words, all of me. I'm lightheaded trying to think of all the things she could have seen. This is what I get for going through her game files. Every major event, I would go back and look for another note; another desperate diary entry telling me how she felt, and what she was going through. Of course, I thought it was just a game, but now that I'm thinking about how I picked through her brain, I realize this is what I deserve.

"I'm sorry," Monika sounds as if she's on the verge of tears. Breaking out of my thoughts, I look back up to her. She's leaning over, hands poised and ready to pull me into a hug.

"Monika—" I pull myself closer to her, wrapping my arms around her, pinning her hands against her chest. "it's okay. It's really, really okay." This is the second time today that she's managed to help me overcome my anxiety. She takes a shallow breath, pulling her arms out from between us and wrapping them around me, before regaining her composure.

"You're not mad?"

"No, I'm not. I'm... I'm just embarrassed." I smile. "You were curious... I would have done it too."

I should have said did.

"I... I was. I wanted to know who you were. I knew you were there, but," she takes another shaky breath, "I couldn't see you. I couldn't hear you. Once I managed to get your real name, I just..." her arms tighten around me. "I just couldn't help myself."

We're silent for a minute. I can hear her sniffle quietly. She catches her breath before pulling away and giggling.

"The first time I saw a picture of you, I felt so lucky," she timidly looks away, "I fell in love with such a kind and pretty girl."

My smile twists awkwardly and my face turns an even deeper shade of red. She thought I was pretty? This girl was going to be the death of me, and I was not about to joke about that in front of her. I pull her back into the hug.

"I, uh, I... don't feel bad about looking through my stuff, M-Monika. I... might have looked at some of your files, too..."

I can see her face turning red out of the corner of my eye.

"You... you saw those, huh?" she laughs awkwardly, hugging me tighter, "That's okay... I saw yours, you saw mine."

I lean the side of my head into hers. Her hair is getting everywhere, but I like it like this. Even if I am awkward and overly nervous, deep down I feel like being this close to her feels natural.

"You still like me even after... seeing all that stuff on my computer?" I ask timidly.

"Of course I do. I already told you, I love you no matter what."

"I-I'm sorry for looking at your files."

"It's okay. You thought it was just part of the game, right?" She asks calmly. It sends a chill down my spine.

"I know now that it wasn't just a game. That you weren't just another part of the game. But it's okay now. You... you're here with me now, so it'll be okay. Everything's okay now."

I can't see her face, but I can feel her body relax as she sighs. It feels like she's relieved being reminded that she's here.

"I'm so glad that I'm here with you."

For the rest of the afternoon we mull about, sitting together on the couch and having little conversations here and there. I turn on the television and we watch for a while. She talks about the things we can do together, and I smile at all of her suggestions. At one point, she timidly asks if it's okay that she's staying here with me. We both wanted the same thing, but I suppose she felt like it would be rude if she didn't ask. I tell her that I wouldn't want her anywhere else. She tells me I'm the best girlfriend ever. I try to keep my heart from bursting out of my chest. It's getting dark now, and I haven't even started on the work I need to do today. This is more important though. She's more important. I start thinking about sleeping arrangements.

"Um, I guess tonight you can have my bed." I say as I begin to get up. "I haven't had the opportunity to make it yet, so I'll—"

"Wait," Monika grabs my hand, stopping me, "you mean we aren't sleeping together?"

Oh, god. I understand what she means, but I can't help but take it the wrong way. I look away from her, my face flushing. I open my mouth to say something, but I can't find the right words. Picking up on my reaction, she quickly backtracks.

"Oh!" She lets go of my hand. "Sorry— I should have figured you wouldn't be comfortable sharing a bed yet."

It's embarrassing how timid I am.

"I mean, we did start dating only recently... I get that you might not be ready for that yet— even though, you know, we'd just be sleeping in the same bed..." Monika fumbles to say the right words, trying to find a way to justify my feelings.

I know she wants me to feel comfortable, and I'm sure she understands where she's coming from, but... I can tell that she's still afraid. Still afraid that this isn't real. I need to put her mind at ease.

"Monika, are you... are you afraid that, when you wake up, you won't... be here?" I turn to look at her.

Almost immediately she breaks eye contact, turning her head to the side and glancing at the floor. She bites her lip.

"I'm sorry. I'm trying really hard to convince myself that this isn't just a dream. I don't want to— I don't know, I guess I just want to be near you. Sorry for being weird—"

Monika barely finishes her thought before I blurt out.

"If sharing my bed would make you feel better," I breath in, "I... I'll sleep with you— sleep next to you! Uh."

She glances back up at me with a fond expression. I look away, my face growing hotter. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Monika put a hand over her mouth, trying to contain her laughter.

"You're not being weird. I... I understand." I say looking at the floor.

"Are you sure? Please don't force yourself, okay?" She asks delicately, leaning over so I could see her face. I look back up to meet her gaze.

"No, this is what I want. I promise."

She blinks, probably surprised at how firm I suddenly sounded. In all honesty, it was what I really wanted. But, like most things in my life, it was a lot easier to imagine it rather than experience it. I'm a lot braver in my own head.

We both take some time preparing for bed, but eventually we make our way to my room. Monika lays down, patting the empty space next to her as she pulls the comforter over herself. I turn off the light and nervously crawl in beside her, hiding myself underneath the comforter. I peek out, my eyes adjusting to the darkness, and focus on her face. She's looking back at me, an affectionate expression on her face. She looks so happy. I feel so happy.

Finally it happens. My feelings catch up with me. Tears are suddenly falling down my face as I lay there on my side, staring at her. I try to rub my eyes but it's too late, Monika, despite being in the dark, can make out the tears rolling down my cheek.

"What's wrong?" She pulls herself closer to me, extending her hand and using her sleeve to wipe away my tears.

"It's nothing, I'm—" I chuckle, trying to catch my breath, "—I'm just so happy that you're here with me."

Her concerned expression suddenly softens. She looks like she's going to cry now too.

"I... I love you, Monika."


	2. Chapter 2

I couldn't tell if I was awake or asleep, but my brain was definitely working. It was telling me what I was afraid of. It was telling me what I know.

You're alone.

You're all alone.

You're going to die alone.

You're going to die alone.

You're going to die alone.

You're going to die alone you're going to die all alone you are going to die—

"Good morning, sweetheart~"

I can feel my body jolt awake.

"Ah— I'm sorry, I thought that you were awake."

"N-no, it's fine. I think I was already kind of awake."

I rub the sleep from my eyes. The sweet sigh of Monika's voice managed to break me out of that nightmare. Looking up I could see her laying there next to me, an abashed look on her face; probably upset about startling me.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine." I smile. "I'm so glad you're here."

Her expression shifts into one of child-like joy.

"I am too."

I remember last night. I told Monika that I loved her. Which, of course, I do... I suppose I was just as surprised as she was when I said it. On the verge of tears, my words sent her over. With an exhale, she let her head fall into my chest much like it did earlier that day. Her hands tugged at my shirt as she clenched them into fists, holding them close to her face.

"I don't deserve this..." She cried.

I flinched. The butterflies in my stomach suddenly felt like a ton of bricks.

"What... what did you just say, Monika?" I heard what she said, but I couldn't believe it. She wouldn't look at me.

"I don't... deserve this." She said again, her hands still gripping my shirt. "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve to be here after all the awful things I did. I... I'm..."

She buried her face in her hands, her sobs racking her entire body. I hadn't thought too deeply about this. Although I had never thought what she did was right, I always fell back on the idea that it was just a game. But now, Monika was here. I swallowed.

Without so much as batting an eye, I believed her when she said that she was the only real person in the game. Her words didn't satisfy everyone, though. The countless threads, theories, and arguments strewn across the internet. People thought that she was a traitor. A monster. A murderer.

I never felt any ill will towards her; even though her meddling left me with a mixture of love, fear, and paranoia that lasted a few good days after playing the game. I only saw a young woman isolated and afraid. Her whole world, her entire life, just a game for me to play. I felt such a deep pain for her, knowing that she was so alone. I couldn't fault her for being desperate. She had nothing. She had no one.

I had no one.

I picked up her game, her life, just so I could feel like I had someone. Even if it was just a game. Even if it wasn't real. Even if she wasn't real. But now, she was. And instead of hating me or rejecting me which she had every right to, she, for some reason, wanted the same thing I did.

"Monika—" I reached out, touching her cheek with the back of my hand, "you think... I deserve this either?"

My touch made her glance back up at me. Monika only hiccupped in response.

"I... I don't deserve this, at all. I've always been so lonely, but I," I caught my breath, holding her gaze, "but I never... I didn't... I never really tried putting myself out there. I never tried to meet other girls. I just kind of hoped that one day she would come to me and I..." I heard my voice waver, "by some... miracle... you're here..." I swallowed, giving myself a moment before speaking again.

"I don't deserve this, and for someone like you to love someone like me... I don't feel like I should— I just don't feel like I—"

Pulling my hand away, I rubbed my eyes, trying to stop any more tears. I recalled all the countless hours I spent falling in love with fictional girls from the safety of my home. It was so much easier to love someone who doesn't have to love you too. Someone you can't disappoint or hurt. But I even fucked that up. I made her realize where she was. What she was. I hurt her.

"Don't say things like that." She cried softly. "You deserve so much—"

"And you don't?"

She bit her lip when I interrupted her. She didn't answer me. I let the silence linger between us before speaking again.

"I don't know how you did it, Monika..." I sighed, "you knew that it was just a game, but you still kept going. I don't... I don't think I would have had the strength..."

"I had you." She spoke with certainty. "You... you gave me the strength to keep going."

I felt my heart pounding in my chest.

"You saved my life. I told you that, right?" She laughed breathlessly.

"You did." I replied softly. Silence lingered between us before I spoke again, "I know that they weren't real, but," I paused, "you obviously feel remorse for what you did, don't you?"

"Of course I do." Her eyes snapped back up to meet mine. "I did so many terrible things... all I wanted was more time with you. I wish I could tell them that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She choked, her face slowly falling back down into her balled fists.

I thought about the times Monika would talk about the others. Even in text it was obvious that she spoke with hesitation when she said she didn't miss them. And, even though I never got to that point myself, in the end she restored it all. Her world, her friends; everything. For you and for them. She tried to give them the happiness that they deserved, even though they were, just like she was to me up until recently, a bunch of fictional characters that she had become attached to.

"I—I know, I know, you just wanted me to spend time with you. I wanted to spend time with you, too."

"I remember. You would always pick me first when we would share poems." She chuckled softly.

"I know that— that you all were hurting so badly." I breathed deeply. "It made me so sad. But I feel like... like if they were here, right now, they would— they would understand. They would forgive you."

Her eyes widened. She looked unsure. I felt uncertain whether they'd forgive her too. But I would have forgiven her. I knew that I would forgive her. I already had.

"Monika, I want you to be happy. They're your friends, they would want you to be happy too." I tried to reassure her.

Again, we were quiet. It didn't matter whether or not the others were real, Monika was going to feel this pain regardless. She continued to cry. Reaching out I stroked her hair, tucking loose strands behind her ear. We were quiet for a while longer. Without looking up, she whispered.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. You're here now. It's going to be okay."

"Do you hate me?"

"Of course not."

Her lips pursed. She refused to look at me.

"You should hate me."

I can't afford to let my anxiety get in the way at a time like this. I sighed, pushing myself up with my elbow. Monika's eyes flickered up to look at me as I shifted my weight over towards her, leaning in to gently kiss her forehead. I could feel her face grow warm as I slowly pulled away, slinking back into the bed.

"I don't hate you." I pulled the comforter up and over the two of us. "I could never hate you. I love you, so much."

Her eyes were wide and wet with tears. Taking a deep, shaky breath, she pulled herself closer to me, wrapping her arms around my middle.

"I love you too."

My eyes flutter back open and I see Monika, one hand, fingers curled and underneath her cheek, resting on the pillow. Her other hand lazily stroking my hair. Seeing her stare at me so affectionately made me fully aware again. She laughs quietly at my reaction; but continues to run her fingers through my hair.

"Did I nod off...?"

"You did," she yawns, pulling her hand away to cover her mouth, "but only for a few minutes."

Just enough time for her to dote on me like she has been. Although I'm still embarrassed about all the affection I'm receiving, I can already feel that it's becoming easier for me to handle. Even if it's just a little bit.

"Do you want some breakfast?"

"Yes, please!" She squeaked, rolling lazily towards the edge of the bed before pulling herself up.

I'm not much of a morning person, and although Monika seems excited, she doesn't really strike me as one either. I glance over at her as I pull myself up into a sitting position. Monika rubs her nose, sniffling. I could see that her eyes were still red.

"My poor girl." I whisper under my breath as reach to place my hand on hers. She turns back, looking at me before moving her hand so her fingers were intertwined with my own.

"Monika," I squeeze her hand, "you know you can talk to me about anything... okay? I'm here. We're going to work through this together." I nod my head, holding her gaze.

She breathes deeply before nodding and smiling at me in response.

"Thank you." She squeezes my hand in return. "For everything."

I grinned back at her. Suddenly she leans into me, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek, before releasing my hand and hopping off the bed.

"I had to get you back for last night—" When she turns to find me stunned, she can't help but laugh. "You're so cute when you're embarrassed!"

"I— but I'm— I am not!" I blurt out, pulling myself up on my knees and shuffling over towards her side of the bed. She laughs harder.

"Are too!" She exclaims as she suddenly disappears behind the doorframe and into the bathroom.

Perhaps we aren't morning people, but the excitement of being together hasn't worn off on either of us yet. She was quick, but it feels as if she never stopped kissing me; the mark she left on my face feels even hotter than the rest of my face. I quickly scramble out of the bed and grab a fresh towel from the closet before following her into the bathroom. She's already using the toothbrush I had given her the night before.

"I got here first!" Monika laughs, toothbrush sticking out of her mouth.

"I was just going to give you a towel!" I can't help but laugh too as I hand her my peace offering. She takes the towel graciously and smiles; suds from the toothpaste caked on her lips. I try to keep myself from laughing again as I turn to leave.

"What? What are you laughing at?" Monika calls after me.

"Nothing, nothing!"

She's very cute.

Like yesterday, I decide to take today off. Getting Monika settled in is much more important. While Monika gets ready for the day I start preparing breakfast. I throw together something even I can handle; eggs, toast, and some hash browns. Monika, wearing an outfit that she had picked out the night before, comes shuffling into the kitchen not too long after I manage to get everything out onto a plate. Although I didn't have a lot of cute clothes to offer, she had an eye for my nicer pieces. She picked out a tight black t-shirt, one of my better plaid shirts, and a pair of jeans. She stopped in front of the table, placing her hands on the back of her chair.

"How do I look?" She asks, smirking. She clearly noticed me staring.

"You—" I swallow the bit of toast I had been chewing on. "You look really nice." I almost whispered, toast still in hand. I feel embarrassed, sitting here still in my pajamas.

"Aw, thanks, sweetheart." She smiles at me affectionately, pulling the chair away from the table before taking a seat.

"Here, I made you some coffee."

Although I'm not a fantastic cook, Monika appreciates everything anyway. I absentmindedly pick at my plate, more interested in watching her enjoy her meal.

"So," Monika starts after taking a sip from her mug, "what are we doing today?"

"Oh, yeah, we have a lot to do—" I turn away from the table towards the counter, "here, I'm gonna make a list of the things we have to get while we're out." I reach for a drawer and pull out a pen and notepad. Turning back to the table, I pause for a moment.

"You have better handwriting than me, Monika," I say extending the pen in her direction, "you should write this."

"But," she looks to the pen before looking back at me, "you already know what my handwriting looks like..."

I flinch, but manage to keep my grip on the pen.

"Now I want to see yours!" She wraps both of her hands around mine, putting the pen fully back into my grip, and nudges my hand back towards me before letting go.

I stare at the pen for a moment.

"I-if I have to write," I say carefully, maneuvering the pen in my hand so I'm gripping it with my thumb and forefinger again, "will you at least write one thing for me? It can be anything you want." I point the pen back in her direction.

It was mostly embarrassment that made me want to ask Monika to write in my place; having her watch as I frantically jot down notes sounded like it would be intimidating. But another part of me was eager to see that pretty font that I had grown accustomed to seeing each time we shared poems in real, genuine ink.

She seems curious as to what I was up to, but didn't question me this time. Instead, she gently takes the pen from my hand, and grabs the notepad as I slide it her way. Leaning over the notepad she begins to write. After a moment she looks back up, smiling, and slides the notepad along with the pen back to me.

"There!"

I look down to the notepad to find that it says "I love you" printed just the way I imagined it would look. In some strange way, it's comforting to see it. I pull the note from the pad and fold it neatly before putting off to the side. She stares at me quizzically.

"I'm keeping it, if that's okay."

Monika blinks, turning a bit red. I caught her off guard with that one, I think.

"Of course it's okay!" She exclaims, smiling at me.

Even if it's three simple words, I wanted to keep it with me. From Monika's reaction it seems like she understands the sentiment a note like this has to me. I try hard to keep myself from feeling flustered as I lean over the notepad and get ready to write.

"Let's see..."

I mull it over; considering all the things that we'll need and asking her for things that she wants. We eventually compile our list; mostly comprised of essentials like clothing and toiletries. Other things I wanted to get for her just because. When I mention getting her a phone she starts to fuss.

"It's too much— seriously, it's okay. I don't absolutely need one."

"But how else are you going to send me cute selfies?" I smirk.

She narrows her eyes at me. In this day and age, a phone is an essential. Cute texts from your girlfriend are just an added bonus. I jot it down on the list. After sorting out our plans, Monika insists that she take care of the dishes while I get ready. I hurry and get changed, grabbing my spare key before leaving my room and returning to the kitchen; Monika's "I love you" tucked away safely in my wallet.

"Here," I casually take her hand in mine, gently placing the key in her open palm, "it's the key to the house. Oh, we'll have to get you a cute keychain for it while we're out..." I mutter as I pull the note from my pocket and scribble "keychain" onto the end of the list.

Pocketing the note, I notice Monika is still staring at me with a bewildered expression; her hands clasped together and raised, key tucked safely away underneath her fingers.

"You're... giving this to me?"

"Yeah. You live here now," I can't help but giggle, "don't you?"

Monika smiles sweetly. I don't think I'll ever get used seeing that smile without my heart skipping a beat.

"Yes, I do." She closes her eyes, bringing the key close to her chest. "I live here, with you."

I lock the door behind me, laughing affectionately when I notice Monika staring in awe at the outside world. I had almost forgotten that we didn't go outside at all yesterday. Thankfully, the weather was beautiful today; unlike the mucky, rainy weather that usually plagues us this time of year. I take her around to the parking lot and we get into my little, modest car. It's something an old lady would drive, but it's nice. At least it impressed Monika. She watches my movements closely as I pull out of the lot and get onto the road.

"I guess this technically is your first time in a car."

I take the exit onto the highway.

"I mean, I know what a car is, but..." she rubs her temple, "I... I don't know, my memories feel so hazy now."

"That's okay. We'll make plenty of memories."

I think I can see Monika smiling out of the corner of my eye.

"Yeah, you're right."

She sounds like she's smiling. We're both quiet for a minute, before I pipe up again.

"Monika, I— I know this must be weird for you, but... but I want you to know that I love you, just the way you are, and..." my eyes are glued to the road, but I want to look at her so badly, "and I... I just want you to know that n-now we can start a life, t-together. It— it'll be okay, from now on." I stammer.

Maybe it was for the best that I couldn't look at her while saying that. I might not have said it otherwise. Without a word, Monika puts her hand on my leg. I tense up, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly.

"I don't know what I'd do without you." She gushes as she gently pets my leg. "I wish you weren't driving— I want to give you a hug."

I keep pushing forward.

"I know this'll sound cheesy, but— it... it might make you feel a little better..." I take a deep breath. "It feels like… like I can't really remember my life before now, too. But I'm okay with that. Now that you're here, I'm okay with that."

Her hand suddenly grips my leg firmly.

"Please pull over so we can hug!"

"B-but we're on the highway!"

A short drive later, we get into town. The local mall sat right in the heart of the shopping center; surrounded by a host of retail chains and cozy little restaurants. Maneuvering around the busy parking lot, I eventually managed to snag a space thanks to Monika crying out excitedly when she noticed the empty spot hidden behind a large truck. Clothes are our top priority, so we start at the mall. Our spot is some distance from the entrance, so I had some time to work up some courage. Swinging my arms, I lightly graze her hand with my own. Wordlessly, she takes my hand, our fingers effortlessly mingling with each other while we continue to walk. I glance at her, smiling timidly. She smiles brightly back at me.

We step through the glass door, stopping in front of the map in the middle of the lobby.

"Oh, wow," Monika gasps, "this place is huge."

"Yeah, it is— I haven't been here in a while." I stare at the map, trying to recall the name of a particular kiosk I wanted to take Monika to.

"Not a fan of the mall?" Monika slides closer to me.

"No, it's not that, it's just—" I pause, taking note of a few stores and their locations. Monika stares intently at the map with me. "—I, uh, guess I don't really have anyone to go out with so... I end up not going out much." I laugh.

"Well, now you have someone to go out with!" Monika grips my hand, swinging it slightly.

I have someone.

We make our way over to one of the huge department stores, carefully weaving between other patrons, holding hands so we didn't get separated. The look on Monika's face when we find the women's department is priceless. For the next thirty minutes or so, I idly follow behind Monika, holding any articles of clothing that caught her eye.

"Do you see anything you like?" She asks as she hands me a pretty blue blouse to go along with the pair of cute white shorts she spotted a few minutes ago.

"You... want me to pick something out for you?"

"Yeah! I mean," she turns, stopping in the middle of the aisle to look at me, "I want to try on stuff that you like too, you know." She looks away, blushing ever so slightly.

I can feel my face turning red, too.

"B-but I don't want to pick out something you might not like— you should get what you want, Mon—"

"I'm sure whatever you pick will be super cute!" She says quickly, her eyes meeting mine once again. "Please? At least one outfit." She clasps her hands together.

"Ah— okay then, I'll try to pick out something nice."

She smiles full force.

"Thanks, sweetie." Monika moves her hands, so they're tucked behind her back. She looks so pleased. With that, we resume our search.

"Ya know," I start quietly as she's combing through a rack of sun dresses, "I think you're going to look really nice in everything you picked out..." I grab the hanger of an adorable white sun dress she hands me, "...do I really need to pick out something for you, too?"

Monika stops, then turns to look at me with an annoyed expression on her face. All I can do is stare questioningly in return.

"Because," she moves on to the next row of dresses, "I like you and I want your opinion, that's all. You have good taste, you know."

I hold the clothes close to my chest. Even through the dense layers of fabric I can feel my heart pounding in my hand.

"Besides, it'd be nice if you picked out something for me... I can say, 'My girlfriend got me this dress!'"

Despite my heart, I snicker.

"What?" She stops to look at me, a sly smile on her face.

"I am getting you this dress... and this shirt... and these pants..."

"You know what I mean!" Monika mutters as she playfully pounds her fists against the mountain of clothes.

I smile at her and take the hits, still laughing. She's incredibly cute.

One lap around the place and we came away with a successful haul. Monika and I head over to the nearest dressing room, which I can already see is crowded. At the entrance, I hand Monika the clothes and step back, scanning the area for somewhere to sit. Instead all I see are bored boyfriends, kids impatiently waiting for their parents, and sleepy seniors occupying the benches. I awkwardly shift around, before leaning against the nearest wall. I glance back at the doorway of the dressing room and see Monika standing there, peering at me. She motions me over.

"Here— come in with me." She casually takes my hand. "There's a seat in the dressing room. You can sit there."

"W-what?" I stutter as she starts to pull me along. "W-wait! Monika—" I grip her hand and pull gently, stopping her. She turns to look at me; her eyebrows furrowed.

"What's the matter? We're both girls."

"That's exactly the matter." I hiss.

She rolls her eyes, sighing.

"Cover your eyes then!" She whispers as she starts to drag me again.

Although I'm not resisting, I'm definitely not moving as fast as Monika would like me to. We eventually find an empty stall in the back and shuffle inside; Monika locks the door behind us. Walking over to the cushioned seat in the corner, I plop down. Monika hasn't even taken anything off and I can already feel the blood rushing to my face. I stare at the ground intensely. She carefully puts the pile of clothes down on my lap. Putting a hand on my head, she starts to stroke my hair lovingly.

"It's okay." She giggles.

"I know, I'm sorry, I just—" I glance up at her, her hand still on my head, eyes wide with what I can only imagine looked like fear. "I'm just really gay and I think that you're really pretty."

Monika pulls her hand away from me to cover her mouth, trying hard to contain her laughter. I wasn't exactly the smoothest when it came to girls. After collecting herself, Monika takes a white dress shirt and a pleated skirt with a pink floral pattern off the top of the pile. As she starts to take her clothes off, I look back at the ground.

"So, you... think I'm pretty?" She asks gingerly.

I'm quiet for a moment.

"Y-yeah, of course I do."

Monika doesn't say anything as she continues to strip. I wish I could look up at her. I wanted the courage to see her face. I purse my lips before speaking again.

"Y-you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Since the first time I saw you— your smile has always been s-so warm. And your eyes are so, so pretty. And, you—" my words get caught in my throat, "you're— you're just..."

Suddenly Monika steps closer, trying to get my attention. Without thinking I look up; thankfully she's already dressed. Oh.

"You're beautiful."

Regardless of how enamored I was with Monika, she really was beautiful. White looked so nice on her. She smiles bashfully.

"T-thank you, so much. I— I'm sorry, I guess I'm kind of nervous now, too." She laughs shyly as she tucks her hair behind her ear. "I'm so glad you like it."

It's hard for my brain to grasp the idea that Monika feels the same way that I do. I would never doubt her, of course; but when your only perception of who you are comes from your own harsh head, it's hard to comprehend why someone would actually love you.

"I love it. I think it looks great on you." I speak quietly, trying hard not to stutter.

She smiles at me, giggling softly.

"You don't sound too enthusiastic."

"I—I'm sorry!" I blurt out, "I-I really do like it, I think I'm— I'm trying really hard not to be nervous."

"No, I'm sorry. I'll try to be quick." She coos, petting my head again.

"I-it's okay! Take your time." I pause, looking her over once more, "Do you like that outfit, Monika?"

She beams.

"I like it a lot."

The next several minutes are spent going through each and every outfit; Monika looks herself over in the three-piece mirror that sat in the corner of the room, then asks me what I think of it. All my replies have words like "great", "beautiful", and "cute" in them. At one point Monika asks if I was being honest. Of course I was; she just so happened to look nice in everything she picked out. Eventually we get to my outfit. It was simple, and definitely more of my style. Skinny jeans, a tank top, and a red plaid button up shirt similar to the one I lent her.

When she notices the outfit, she glances at me and grins.

"I'm really excited about this one." She takes the clothes from my hands and hangs them up on the rack beside her before removing her current outfit.

I turn my attention to the floor. We've gone through a good number of changes, but my face still feels just as hot as it did the first time she removed her clothes. By this point I can tell just by listening when Monika is done swapping out her outfit. I glance up.

"So?" She twirls around. "What do you think?"

I can't help but bite my lip. Personally, I don't really like my choice in clothes; I much prefer Monika's fashion sense. Many of her choices were very feminine; cute and colorful things that I wouldn't dare try myself. But this... I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, she makes even my boyish tastes look adorable.

"You look so cute." I squeak, smiling widely at her.

After seeing my reaction, she mirrors my expression. She looks so happy.

"What do you think, Monika? Do you like it?"

She turns to look herself over in the mirror. She smirks.

"I think this outfit makes me look a little bit like you." She glances at me. "I love it."


	3. Chapter 3

She loves that outfit because it reminds her of me. I just don't understand. This is all so strange; the feeling of unconditional love being returned to me. How could she feel that way about me? I don't deserve it. But I want to. I can feel it, deep down inside. I want to be someone who's worth loving. I want to be better, for her.

"Okay," Monika sighs, "all done."

I glance back up from the floor. Once again, Monika's wearing the clothes she came in with; she runs her hands down the sides of the plaid shirt I lent her, trying to get any creases out. She looks up at me and smiles timidly.

"I'm sorry that took so long."

"No, it's okay. I had a lot of fun."

She grins. I was being honest; it was nice getting to spend time with her. We could do absolutely nothing together and it would still be nice.

"I did too. Thank you, for all of this." She laughs before going to the pile of clothes and starts picking it up.

I hastily get up and take the clothes from her with some protest, but soon I have it all in my arms. We decided to buy most of the outfits she picked out since, you know, she needed an entire wardrobe. Walking out of the changing room, we make a beeline for the register. From here, I could see out of the store and into the mall. Running my eyes across the kiosks and other storefronts outside suddenly reminds me of where I'd like to take her next.

"Oh, Monika, sweetie—" Hearing that word slip so easily out of my mouth causes me to come to a standstill. My feet, just in motion a moment ago, are now planted firmly on the ground.

I knew that she had heard it as well, because not even a second later, Monika stops too. Slowly she turns her head to look at me, a smirk on her face and an almost wild look in her eye.

"What is it, honey~?" She gloats as she swings around to face me. She leans forward eagerly, arms tucked behind her back.

I bite my lip, hiding behind the tall stack of clothes. She waits for a moment in that position before laughing.

"Sorry, sorry," she stands upright once again, "I shouldn't be teasing you. I actually like that— you know, the pet names." She glances away, a small smile on her face. She almost looks as if she's embarrassed saying that out loud.

There's a beat of silence between us. I'm still frozen in place, eyes on her.

"Um," Monika quickly looks back at me, "I'm sorry, what were you going to say?" She asks delicately.

"N-no, don't be sorry! I'm— I'm being dumb. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be embarrassed." I relax my body, timidly looking away before almost immediately finding the courage to look her in the eye again. "I guess I was just surprised, I just kind of... said that so naturally." I laugh.

The worry on her face melts away, quickly replaced with a soft smile. It really did feel natural calling her that. I was so ready to love her, but part of me was still coping with these sudden changes in my demeanor.

"I was just going to say, before we go to the other side of the mall— there's a shop nearby that I want to take you to." I glance out into the mall in the direction that the store is in.

Monika glances to where I was looking, before turning back to me.

"We'll go wherever you want." She beams.

After checking out, Monika and I leave the store, several bags in hand. We walk down the strip until we spot a colorful kiosk selling a host of overly cutesy things; glittery phone cases, cute keychains, plush toys, and similar affair.

"That's the one." I do my best to point at the kiosk, trying to manage the heavy bags wrapped around my fingers.

Walking up to the kiosk, I gently place the bags down on the ground. Monika, hands clasped against her chest, admires everything the little shop has to offer. I bend down and start looking through the keychains. It takes me a minute, but eventually I spot it; a cute enamel cat with orange fur and big, bright green eyes.

"Hey, Monika." I call to her, glancing up to find that she's currently on the other side of the kiosk.

She hurries over and gets down on my level, leaning her shoulder on mine. I point to the cat.

"This is the one I was looking for. What do you think? Do you like it?"

Monika's eyes lit up when she caught sight of the little keychain. She smiles excitedly.

"I love it. You... wanted to get this one for me?"

"Yeah. I saw it online recently, and it made me think of you. I figured they'd sell it at a place like this, and luckily I was right." I chuckle.

Monika gives me a tender, loving look before turning her attention back to the keychain. With a smile, she starts scanning the rack, looking for something. After a few seconds, she seems to spot what she was looking for. She shifts her weight, leaning off of me, as she reaches out and grabs the cat and another keychain just a few rows down before picking herself up off the ground. I follow her up and watch as she turns towards me and unfolds her hand. There in her palm beside the cat is the second keychain she picked from the rack; a matching cat keychain. The pin was the same, however the colors were slightly different. Instead of orange fur and green eyes, this one had brown fur and red eyes. After staring at the keychain for a moment I look back to Monika, who's still smiling broadly at me.

"I'll get this one, and you'll get this one." She points to the red-eyed cat and looks at me.

I can't help but smile back at her as I nod.

"These are perfect."

After making our purchase, Monika quickly hooks the keychain onto her keyring as we walk toward our next stop. Once she finishes with hers, she, without warning, sticks her hand into my pocket to retrieve my keys. I can't help but let out a surprised squeak as she fishes for my keys, then gawk at her as she does the same with my keychain.

"There we go!" She mutters as she, still walking, tucks my keys back into my pocket.

"Gee, thanks, Monika." I tease.

"No problem~" She winks, playfully sauntering ahead of me.

I smirk before moving to keep pace with her.

We're heading across the mall to a small shoe store now. On the way, there were a few different shops that we pop into and got what we need. One of them being a store that sold cellphones. Walking in, an overexcited salesman quickly strolls up to us, an unnerving smile on his face. I suddenly feel Monika reach out and wrap her arms around mine. I turn to smile at her reassuringly before turning my attention back to him.

"Hello, ladies! Anything I could get for you today?"

"Yes, actually, my— uh, my—" I begin confidently, but soon start to stutter.

I can't call her my girlfriend. Why can't I just call her my girlfriend? I hold on an "uh" as I try to get ahold of my thoughts. Oh, god, please just let me say it.

"My girlfriend." I finally exclaim, turning my body sharply and pointing at Monika with the arm she wasn't clinging to. "My girlfriend. She needs a new phone."

Despite having trouble saying it, hearing it out loud for the first time like that, I can't help but smile. I wasn't looking at Monika, but the slight squeeze on my arm told me that she was happy to hear it too. Just as I feared, though, the young man's face shifted slightly; his unwavering smile betrayed by the look in his eyes. I swallow, holding my smile. If I was able to get over my anxiety of saying it, I wasn't about to let him sway me either. I felt too warm, too happy, to let anything stop me from smiling.

"Oh! Certainly! Why don't you follow me, we have the new—"

"Actually, can you give us a second?" I interrupt as I quickly turn my back to him. "Monika— you want the same phone I have, right?" I ask her quietly, pulling my phone from my pocket. I hand it to her, causing her to release my arm.

Last night, I had given Monika my phone to mess around with. She really enjoyed playing with the camera, which was now loaded with selfies of the two of us that were covered in hearts and glittery stickers of cute animals and phrases that said things like "girlfriend" and "love u" thanks to the silly photo editing app that I had on my phone. I kept all of these, of course.

Monika turns it in her hands before glancing back at me and smiling.

"Yeah, I think I would. I really like the camera." She giggles, holding the phone close.

I smile at her before turning back to the young man.

"We want this model, please."

Monika holds the phone out slightly as I gesture to it.

"Oh, but that one is so old! Have you considered upgrading?"

"Uh, I, um—"

"Here, let me show you the newest model, it's got a ton of new features!"

"But we just want—"

"Oh, nonsense, once you see this new cell you'll thank me—!"

Suddenly, Monika steps out from behind me, wrapping herself around my arm once again.

"We just want this one, please." She commands as she extends her free arm with my phone in hand towards the excitable young man.

The bite in her voice must have startled him, because he quickly shrinks back.

"Ah, okay— I, um, I understand, Miss!"

We quickly purchase the phone and leave the store. I wasn't sure we'd be coming back to this one. As we hastily get back into the mall, I notice that Monika and I, despite the awkward interaction we just had, were both smiling.

"Damn, sweetheart," I laugh breathlessly, "I wasn't expecting that."

The smile on her face swiftly shifts into a pout as I bring up the situation.

"Well, he wouldn't listen to you." She crosses her arms, glowering. "You know that I've never really been good at asserting myself, but I wasn't about to let that guy bully you into buying something we didn't want." She says frankly.

"It's good to know you'll come to my rescue. I may be timid, but I know I'd have the courage to do the same for you, too." I pause for a moment. "It's nice, knowing that we can be brave for each other."

Her expression returns to that sweet smile.

"Yeah, it is nice. I feel so lucky."

"I do, too."

As we continue walking, we hit up a few more shops; picking up bits and pieces needed for Monika to have a life here. Before we know it, it's already noon. The two of us, several bags in hand, start to make our way over to the food court. Once I tell Monika about all the types of food that they have there, she picks up her pace. After surveying the assortment of cafeteria style restaurants, Monika decides to get some Chinese food. I take her bags as she carefully carries the tray of Lo Mein noodles and vegetables to an empty table, situated in the corner by a plastic palm tree. Putting our bags down, I tell her to wait there while I got some food of my own.

A few minutes pass before I get back, immediately noticing that Monika hasn't touched her food yet.

"Why didn't you start eating?" I whine.

"What do you mean? I wanted to wait for you! It's fine, really!" She smiles, picking up her fork.

I put my plate down, grabbing the seat across from her.

"I feel bad, that's all. I'm sure you're hungry."

Monika stares intently at my plate.

"You know," she begins, smirking, "you don't have to avoid eating meat just because I'm a vegetarian." She chuckles.

I had a piece of plain cheese pizza.

"I'm not! I actually, uh," I glance down at the slice, before looking back up at her, "I actually... I don't know, I always thought about being a vegetarian— I'm just so lazy and don't really care what I eat." I take a moment to pick up the pizza and take a small bite. "But now that we're... together... I actually have a reason to take care of myself, so..." I laugh timidly.

The pizza is surprisingly good, but I continue to eat it cautiously. After successfully tearing off another small piece, making sure not to spill any sauce, I notice that Monika's glaring at me.

"I wish you wouldn't say things like that. You need to take care of yourself regardless!" She scolds, pointing her fork in my direction. "Well, I'm glad I'm here then. If you won't take care of yourself, then I will." She says proudly, sticking the fork into her plate and wrapping a good chunk of noodles around it.

It's hard to care what you eat when you don't really care about your well-being. I was being honest, though. Now that she was here, I had a reason to care. I continue nibbling on my pizza.

"Monika, you remember how you told me that you want to make me proud?" I ask, carefully placing the slice back onto the plate. Her fork raised, inches from her mouth, stopped when I began talking. She lowers the fork; waiting for me to continue. "I... I feel the same way. I want to be someone who you're proud of, too."

Her expression softens.

"You make me feel like... you— you make me want to be a better person. I want to be better, because of you."

She shifts her weight, leaning forward slightly. The way that her body is poised, it looks like she wants to spring at me from across the table. Her look is so affectionate; like I had given her the world and the most she could do was smile in return. It was the warmest smile I had ever seen. It felt like I was on fire again. Instead of leaping over the table to hug me, she instead decides to reach for one of my hands, which I hadn't even noticed had been clenched nervously into a fist on the table. Putting her fork down, which still had the load of noodles wrapped tightly around it, she reaches for my other hand. I slowly release my fists, letting our fingers weave together.

"You have no idea how..." she pauses, smiling, "how happy that makes me."

She rocks our hands from side to side on the table excitedly. We're both quiet for a moment; just sitting here, smiling at each other. I have this gut feeling that I should be embarrassed as we sit here, smiling at each other, holding each other's hands. I'm sure people were looking at us, but there was something about her that made it feel like she was the only thing that mattered in that moment. There was just something about her—being with her, talking about her, even just thinking about her—that was quickly starting to overpower my fear and anxiety in these situations where I'd normally find myself near dead from embarrassment. It was getting easier being more like the person I had always wanted to be; affectionate, carefree, fearless.

"You know that I'm already proud of you, right?" She squeezes my hands, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Well, I... I want make you even more proud."

She laughs as we let go of one another.

"I know you will." She says tenderly as she picks up her fork again. "I'm going to make you proud, too."

I give her a moment to finally try her food. Taking a bite, Monika's eyes light up.

"Oh my gosh, it's so good!" She quickly sticks the fork back into her plate, wrapping another bunch of noodles around it. "Here," Monika leans over the table, a forkful of noodles in hand, "try it. It's so good."

"You've been saying that about everything you've eat—"

"It's the first time I've tried a bunch of stuff, okay? I'm just excited!" She cuts me off, still holding the fork in front of my face.

I turn my attention to the fork, staring at it blankly. Does she really expect me to eat off her fork? I can feel my face turning red. Trying to avoid the situation, I reach for the fork. If I can just get it out of her hand, I can get the noodles onto my plate. Seeing me reach for it, she reels back.

"Come on, just eat it!" She laughs, leaning in again so the fork is right in front of my mouth.

Reluctantly, I open my mouth and lean forward to meet the fork. I bite down. Monika tilts the fork up and out of my mouth as I quickly slurp the noodles off it. Although I'm focused on the noodles, I can see her smiling; mouth slightly agape as if she's surprised, but pleased, that she convinced me to do this. I chew slowly.

"So?" She inquires, tilting her head slightly.

"It's really good." I answer, mouth still full.

She giggles as she turns her attention back to her plate, picking up another forkful of noodles. I swallow hard as I watch her casually stick the fork in her mouth, slurping the noodles clean off. She hums happily.

"It's so good!" She sighs.

I narrowed my eyes at her. She had to have known what she was doing. There's no way she didn't realize that—

"Want some more?" She holds the fork up towards me once again.

"Huh? Oh! No, thank you."

She caught me eyeing her. She smirks at me before returning to her lunch. I can feel my heart beating heavily in my chest. Although she was alleviating my anxiety in many ways, that didn't mean that she still couldn't instigate it.

"If you think that's good," I scoff, quickly recovering as I take another bite of pizza, "then just you wait until I take you out to get some real food."

Monika, in the middle of sipping on her drink, stops to stare at me. I can see that she's turning red. My heart thumps even harder than before. We hadn't planned on doing anything special for dinner, but the way I phrased it sounded as if I had something already in mind. Which I didn't.

"We've already done so much today— and we aren't even done yet! You don't have to take me anywhere!" Monika insists as she pulls the styrofoam cup away from her lips.

Although I hadn't given it any thought, it would be nice to take her out tonight for dinner. Spending the day out together and finishing it off with a nice, relaxing meal sounded perfect. Besides, I couldn't remember the last time I ate out, especially at a nice restaurant.

"Actually, I think that would be a great way to end today." I take another big bite, smirking at her.

Monika looks away, fiddling with the food still left on her plate.

"I mean, we should celebrate, shouldn't we?" I ask, finishing off the pizza slice.

Monika's blush deepens.

"I-I suppose." She mutters before taking another bite of her food.

"Seriously, Monika," I laugh lightheartedly, trying to coax her, "it's fine. We have enough, I promise. I want to take you out. Think of it as a welcome home dinner."

She finally looks up at me; her expression somehow torn between joy and guilt.

"I'm sorry, it's not that I don't want to go, I— I'd love to," she breaks eye contact with me for a brief moment, "I just... I just don't want to overstep my boundaries."

I'm positive I now have a bewildered expression on my face. I take a second to gather my thoughts.

"Monika, you could never do that with me. I want you to know that right now, okay? I love you, no matter what." I offer her a sincere smile.

"Ah... okay." She returns my smile, her body relaxing a bit.

We stare at each other, smiling, quietly letting the moment linger. I breathe in, looking away before speaking again.

"And if I can take you out to dinner, then I'm going to." I say confidently, plucking a napkin from the dispenser on the edge of the table.

Monika giggles.

"Well, I'm glad we went shopping today. Now I'll have something cute to wear tonight."

Although my brain had been preoccupied with Monika these past few minutes, it suddenly hits me with the place to go. I know where I want to take her for dinner.

"Here, I know exactly where we'll go," I toss the napkin onto the empty plate in front of me before taking out my phone and pulling up the menu.

Monika gingerly takes the phone from me and starts to scroll through the dishes, staring in awe at the immaculate photos, until she slows her finger and carefully starts inspecting the vegetarian section of the menu. I can't help but smile.

"Oh, this looks delicious!" She chirps as she turns the phone back to me and points to the picture on the small screen. Before I have time to register what she's gesturing to, she pulls the phone back and continues scrolling. "This looks good too! Oh, look at this one!"

I try my best to stifle my laughter. Once Monika was done marveling at the menu, she finishes her food, and I call to make a reservation for six. The place was one of those restaurants you only go to on special occasions. Everything from the steaks to the salads were pricey; even the water wasn't free. But, this was a special occasion, and just the thought of treating Monika to something like this gave me butterflies.

Finished with our lunch, we take one last lap around the mall and then head out. For the next three or so hours, we browse around the nearby stores; picking up miscellaneous supplies we couldn't find in the mall. One little shop tucked between two huge retail chains sold cute hair accessories; including bows. In there Monika excitedly picked out a few alternatives to her white bow; skillfully untying and then tying each new color that she picked out into her wild hair. The elderly woman running the shop commented on Monika's hair, telling her how pretty it is, before slyly turning to me and asking what my relationship to Monika was. She must have noticed how casually Monika would grab my arm or reach to hold my hand as we were walking around her store. Monika, eyes on the mirror in front of her, proudly stated that I was her girlfriend as she finished pulling up her hair into a ponytail. The woman, amused by Monika's excitement, laughed, and congratulated us.

Once we picked up everything we could think of, we began our drive back home. On the way I told Monika that we'd be going downtown to have dinner; which was just a little further past the mall. Back at home, Monika and I unload the car and carry everything inside. It took a few trips, but soon we were both splayed out on the couch, surrounded by a sea of plastic bags.

"That was so much fun." Monika sighs, leaning her head on my shoulder.

"Yeah, it was." I hum quietly. "Are you still up for going out tonight?"

"Of course I am." She smiles, turning her head to look at me.

"Good." I glance lazily back at her, smiling. "We have some time to get ready— want to leave in about 30 minutes?"

"Ah, I should get ready then!" Monika, suddenly full of energy, hops off the couch. She riffles through one of the many bags for a moment before pulling out a short white dress. "You have to give a girl some time to get ready!" She teases as she hurries off to the bathroom.

"I know, I know! I'm sorry!" I laugh, sprawling out on the couch.

I can hear Monika close the bathroom door, and soon after water running. I stare at the ceiling, a goofy grin on my face. I'm exhausted, but content. I had become so used to being alone. It was almost strange feeling so happy to spend time with someone you care about. I could feel my heart beat steadily in my chest as I close my eyes. My mind doesn't torture me like it has been. Everything is quiet.

I suddenly stir when I hear what I can only assume was Monika moving around nearby, getting ready for dinner.

"Oh, sweetheart."

I open my eyes to find Monika, standing over me. She gets down on her knees, bringing herself closer.

"You look so exhausted... are you sure you want to go?"

I can only stare at her. She's beautiful. White really does look perfect on her. Her hair is done up in her usual style, tied back with her white bow; loose strands falling down her shoulders naturally. Her cheeks were lightly dusted with the makeup we picked up for her in the mall, which she was excited to try for the first time. Of course, she was a natural at applying the stuff. I swallow before propping myself up on my elbow, still unable to find any words. I can feel my face turning red. She suddenly reaches out, touching her hand to my forehead.

"Are you feeling okay?" She asks with a concerned tone.

"I'm fine, I'm fine!" I laugh, snapping out of it. "It's just— you look beautiful."

She smiles and giggles softly, moving her hand to the top of my head, running her fingers through my hair.

"Thank you." She whispers as she leans in and plants a kiss on my forehead, her hand holding the back of my head. She quickly springs up and off her place on the floor, smiling. "I just need another minute, okay?"

"Y-yeah, okay. I'll go get ready now, too." I smile back at her, face on fire.

I pick myself up, feeling alert once again, watching as she giggles to herself and bounds away. I can feel this emotion, this pure happiness, pooling in my stomach as I stand upright. I take a moment to stretch. Tonight will be nice. As long as I'm with Monika, everything will be all right.


	4. Chapter 4

"What do you mean you gave our table to someone else?!"

"That's just what I mean, Miss. We accidentally gave your table to another party."

I turn away from the dapper man standing behind the hostess stand and groan.

"We're very sorry. Would you like to put your name down for another table? Right now, the wait time is about three hours."

Hearing this, I turn to Monika, who stares back at me nervously; unsure of how to respond. I bite my lip. I really wanted to treat her to a nice meal, but the moment we got here Monika's stomach had already started complaining. I couldn't help but snicker as I parked the car, the sound of the engine humming suddenly being replaced by a protest from her middle. I didn't want to make her wait any longer. I glance back at the man and shake my head dismissively.

"No, thank you."

With that, Monika takes my hand and we make our way through the sea of people standing in the lobby. We eventually burst through the front doors and back out into the brisk evening air, quietly walking away from the crowd.

"I'm sorry, Monika." I finally sigh as we come to a stop, about twenty feet away from the restaurant's entrance. Even this far down the sidewalk people are standing around, waiting patiently to get into the place.

"It's okay, we'll come back some other time." She reassures me, giving my hand a quick squeeze before she wraps her arm around mine.

Despite her holding me, I can still feel the frown on my face as I stare at the pavement.

"Don't be upset, sweetie, we had such a great day." She continued, quickly picking up on my disappointed expression. "I'm so glad we got to spend it together."

Monika was right. I had a great day, and I was glad we got to spend it together, too. Without realizing it, I'm smiling again. I get confirmation that I'm looking better when Monika suddenly chuckles quietly, gently squeezing my hand once more. I look back up to meet her smiling face, a tender look in her eye. I purse my lips, suddenly remembering our current situation.

"I'm sure it'll be crazy trying to get in anywhere else at this hour." I grumble, running my free hand through my hair, trying to think of what to do.

Before my hand can even reach the back of my head, a dumb idea hits me.

"Hey, Monika," I start, pulling my arm with her closer to me, "there's another restaurant just up the street— I know that place won't be busy. Want to try there?"

Monika, who always seems excited about anything I suggest, quickly grins at me and agrees. Without a second thought, the two of us, hand in hand, start walking again.

"...So," Monika pops a fry into her mouth, "this is real food, huh?"

"Is it as good as the other food you've tried so far?"

Monika mulls over my question for a moment, picking up another fry.

"It's not bad." She tosses the fry in her mouth.

Her delivery kills me. I immediately burst out laughing, quickly turning away and covering my mouth. I can hear Monika start to giggle along with me. I'm not sure if it's because my laughter is contagious or if it's because she thinks I'm being cute, but it's nice to laugh with her.

I had taken her to a small burger place up the road. Although the food wasn't anything spectacular, it always filled you up, and they were rarely busy. Monika ordered a veggie wrap, and I got a burger. Thankfully, Monika understood that I wasn't about to go cold turkey. Getting two large orders of fries, we spilled them out on the tray and set them in between the two of us. The two of us looked out of place sitting here; dressed up nice and fancy for the occasion, like we were supposed to be having a candle lit dinner with five-star meals on porcelain plates, but instead we were sitting in an old wooden booth painted a painfully bright red and casually munching on greasy french fries.

"Well, I'm glad it's not terrible." I laugh, reaching for a fry.

"Anything we do together is nice," she tilts her head, "you know?"

I grin at her and nod.

"Yeah, you're right. This is nice."

It's only been an hour since we sat down, making it about seven in the evening, but because of the season it's already pitch-black outside. The large glass windows in the little restaurant give us a clear view of the night sky and the bright city lights sitting underneath the stars. We casually cackled on about things, reminding each other of all the little things we saw or did during the day. We comb over every little bit; the funny moments, the awkward interactions with strangers, the times where we would endear each other. Sighing, I finally catch my breath; my stomach hurting from how much I had been laughing. Or was it because of the food? We sit quietly for a moment, before a pang of something, some emotion I felt often but didn't know how to describe, suddenly hits me. I stare at what's left of the pile of fries and breathe deeply.

"Hey, Monika," I start hesitantly, looking up at her, "why... did you fall in love with me?"

She gives me an exacerbated look.

"What? I'm just asking!" I offer her an innocent smile.

"I really wish you wouldn't say things like that." She says with a dejected sigh. "Do you not believe me when I tell you that I love you?"

"N-no, of course I believe you, I just— I don't know, Monika, I... I'm new to this." I purse my lips, looking away. "I mean, I'm just some timid girl. I don't really stand out and I— I... it's just that... no one has ever cared about me this much before. I just wanted to know why." I glance back to gauge her reaction. "That's all."

Her expression softens. I can feel embarrassment welling up inside me, seeing the pity in her eyes.

"Well," she reaches her hand out, placing it on top of my own, "I do care about you." She holds my gaze, breathing in before speaking again. "And if I'm the first person to care about you like I do, then I want to make sure you know how I feel."

She gives me a reassuring smile that immediately puts my mind at ease. I can't help but smile back at her. The two of us sat there, quietly smiling at each other for a few seconds, before Monika picks up the conversation again.

"So," she grins almost too excitedly, "does that make me your first girlfriend?"

"Yeah, uh... I've never dated anyone before now." I involuntarily make a sour face, thinking back to high school.

She chuckles softly; probably at my reaction.

"If it makes you feel any better, I've never dated anyone either."

Although part of me isn't surprised to hear this, I look at her questioningly.

"Yeah, I just wasn't interested in dating. I wanted to focus on more important things." She pauses, her expression focused; almost like she was looking for the right words. She makes eye contact with me before speaking again. "Did you know you were gay when you were in high school?"

"I... didn't want to be," I laugh timidly, "so I just assumed that I just wasn't interested in anyone."

"I never really thought about it, but," she glances away, a fond look on her face, "maybe that's why I wasn't interested in dating either."

I chuckle, a much more genuine sound than my last little pitiful laugh.

"What?" She asks, smiling.

"You were suddenly interested in boys when I came along." I answer smugly.

Monika raises her eyebrows and her mouth gapes slightly, looking like I had just deeply offended her.

"I was only interested in him because he was you!"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry!" I try but barely manage to say through my laughter.

We're quiet for a moment, the only sound being me trying to stifle my hysteric giggling with my hand that Monika wasn't holding.

"We got off track!" Monika suddenly exclaims throwing her hands up.

I burst out laughing again; watching her laugh along with me while she tried her best to regain her composure.

"Okay," her giggles persisted despite her trying to sigh, "why did I fall in love with you." She restates my question before thinking for a moment. Monika sits there, quiet, staring intently at the tray in front of her until she looks up, meeting my gaze. "In retrospect, I guess that, at first, I loved the idea of you." She pauses, before quickly backtracking, "But, as soon as I started learning more about you, the real you, I knew that I did love you."

I swallow, feeling that familiar heat start to creep up my face. Although my life's story wasn't on that computer, there was plenty of stuff for her to go off of. Pictures, videos, music, notes and memos; just little bits and pieces of who I was and what I liked.

Including a few things about her.

"Part of me was afraid that you hated me, but... I knew that you cared about me, even just a little bit. That's what pushed me to want to know more about you. And when I did learn more, I was really excited." She pauses, smiling. "Just like I thought you would be, you were a kind and considerate person who really did love me," her eyes flicker away momentarily, "and the other girls, too. I knew then that you were the girl I wanted to be with. I knew that I loved you."

I could feel my face burning now as Monika finished her thought with that sweet smile.

"So... do you mind if I ask why you fell in love with me?" She asks as she crosses her arms and slides them onto the table, leaning forward; a curious smile on her face.

I figured that would come next. And it was only fair, answering the question myself. I knew why I loved her, and what I loved about her, but it would be hard for me to tell her.

"Uh, well," I took a moment to gather my thoughts, "I... you always made me so curious. The moment I saw that I couldn't interact with you like the other girls, I knew I wanted to know more about you. I was... kind of scared, n-not of you, but what was happening with the game." I speak quickly, trying to avoid offending her. I breathe in for the first time since I began speaking. "But then, when you started talking to me, I," I purse my lips, "I just became so... infatuated with you." I admit, my face growing hotter by the second.

Monika's face seems to light up too. I quickly open my mouth to explain myself.

"I— I mean... the fact that you said that you loved me— not the character in the game, but me... it just... it made me so happy. I never felt like that before. You always had something interesting to say. I felt like we looked at things in the same way, and I just liked the way you thought. I liked that you wanted to talk to me. I liked the idea that you liked me. I just... I liked you." I bite my lip involuntarily, trying to stop myself from spilling my guts completely. I breathe again. "You're a good person, Monika. And you were right— I loved you and the rest of the club. I fell in love with you, so hard."

Monika leans forward slightly as she sighs, smiling affectionately at me. My face can't get any hotter at this point.

"It makes me so happy hearing that you love me like I love you." She laughs bashfully, tucking a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. "And I'm so glad that you liked our talks. You were always such a good listener... but it's so much nicer getting to have actual conversations with you."

I smile and nod in agreement before timidly starting up again.

"I'm sorry for asking about it, but I'm... happy that I did."

"I'm glad we talked about it, too."

Again, we're quiet. Smiling fondly at one another and enjoying the moment before the large machine hiding behind the counter suddenly roars to life, breaking the silence and startling both us. Monika and I look over, watching as the owner of the restaurant stood in front of the machine and watched as it made an obnoxiously loud whirling, mechanical noise; quickly mixed something inside a large, stainless steel cup.

"You know," I begin, immediately recognizing what the machine was for, "their milkshakes are actually pretty good. Do you want to get one, Monika?"

She turns back towards me, her eyes sparkling excitedly.

"Oh... I would actually love to try something sweet." She grins, biting her lip. "Will you share it with me?"

"Sure, I'll have some." I reach into my wallet for some cash.

"Good!" Monika chirps as she claps her hands together. "I don't want to have it all to myself."

"Do you mind getting it? I'll clean up our food." I ask as I pull out a twenty and extend it in her direction.

She glances at the money before quickly looking back to me, taking it from my hand with a child-like smile.

"I can do that!" She states proudly before she slides out of the booth and bounces to her feet. "Is chocolate okay?" She turns to ask.

I can't help but smile at her excitement.

"Yeah, get whatever you want."

She narrows her eyes at me.

"I don't want to get something you won't like."

"No, no— I like chocolate! I promise!" I chuckle, sliding out of the booth.

Monika grins at me.

"You really are the perfect girlfriend."

With that, she turns back and makes her way over to the counter. The perfect girlfriend. I shift my attention to what's left of our food, tossing our trash onto the tray, my face burning again. Once I have everything together, I walk the tray over to the garbage bin on the other end of the restaurant and discard it. I turn to face our table again, my eyes meeting Monika's as she casually walks over to me, a smile on her face, with a large cup and a single straw in hand. She's going to try that again. I smirk, giving her a look.

"What?" She giggles as she saunters up to me.

I reach out and pluck the straw from her hand.

"Did they run out of straws?" I ask playfully, tearing off the top of the wrapper.

"No, they just gave me one." She counters with a blatantly mischievous smile.

"Uh huh." I smirk as I stick the opened end of the straw in my mouth and aim it at her, quickly blowing a small puff of air into it, sending the rest of the wrapper off in her direction.

The little paper wrapper gently hits her squarely on the shoulder. Monika, her expression being reflexive before registering what I had done and shifting into laughter, waves her free hand at the wrapper as it's already half way to the floor.

"Hey!" Monika laughs, balling her hand into a fist. "What was that for?" She closes the distance between us and lightly pounds her hand into my chest once before leaning into me.

I chuckle, straw still in my mouth, as I catch her, wrapping an arm around her waist.

"For being coy." I reply, taking the straw and sticking it into the lid of the cup.

"I'm not being coy," she glances away shyly, "I just like sharing with you, that's all." Her eyes meet mine before she turns to go take a seat at the booth.

She might have been teasing me, but it wasn't hard to tell that she was being sincere. I could feel my stomach drop slightly from embarrassment. Before following her, I pick up the discarded straw wrapper and toss it in the bin behind me. Once I settle in the seat across from her, she points the cup in my direction, offering it to me.

Without taking the cup from her hands, I lean across the table and take a sip. The milkshake is smooth, and very sweet. Almost too sweet. As I start to pull away I notice that Monika's staring intently at me.

"Sorry," I chuckle, "it's just really good."

"No, it's not that! I wanted you to have some. I'm... glad you like it." She sputters as she brings the cup closer to herself. She stares at it before taking a long sip.

My face lights up. I try to look around anywhere else, but seems like everywhere I look my eyes still catch her. She continues sipping on the shake, her eyes closed.

"So?" I ask timidly. "How is it?"

"It's so sweet." She sighs as she finally pulls herself away from the straw, a placid smile on her face. I can swear I can see her cheeks turning pink. "Want some more?" She offers the cup to me again.

I swallow. Hesitantly, I take the cup from her this time. Bringing the straw to my mouth, I take another sip. This time it's too sweet. I can feel the space behind my forehead tighten as I take a few generous sips. Eventually, I have to breathe; breaking away, I take a deep breath, exhaling with a content sigh. I look back at Monika as I hand her the cup. I definitely wasn't seeing things. Her face is turning red now. Without looking away from me, she takes the cup, moving it close to her chest.

"That's a good milkshake." I mutter as I glance away, pulling my elbows up onto the table and awkwardly resting my chin on my hand; partially covering my mouth.

All Monika can do is give me a quiet "Mmhm" in response as she returns the straw to her mouth and continues drinking.

After a few seconds of silence, I glance back in her direction. Monika's determined eyes are directed at the table in front of her, focused on her thoughts. She looks completely and utterly embarrassed. I suddenly find myself smiling at her. She catches my gaze and returns my smile, straw still between her lips. I laugh quietly.

"What's so funny?" She grins, pulling herself away from her shake.

"Nothing, it's just," I lift my face from my hand, crossing my arms, "it's cute, you're trying to tease me but now you're getting embarrassed too."

Her face, which had cooled down by this point, starts to shift shades again. I smile, trying to contain my laughter.

"I'm not trying to tease you!" She squeaks, a hurt expression on her face. "And I'm not embarrassed, I'm just— okay, I guess I am, just a little bit." She looks away, taking another sip. "Don't pick on me."

"I'm not picking on you!" I say, unable to keep myself from laughing. "I just think it's cute. I think that you're cute."

She glances back at me, a small smile on her face.

"I guess I shouldn't be talking— I think you're cute when you're embarrassed too." She mutters with the straw in her mouth.

"See? See?!" I exclaim, gesturing at her with my hands open and palms turned up.

She bursts out laughing, and soon I join in. I can't remember the last time I laughed this much. After talking for a while longer, we notice that the staff are starting to clean up the dining area. Finishing off the shake, Monika and I get up and clear out. Stepping out into the night, Monika and I instinctively huddle together; trying to keep warm. Thankfully it wasn't too cold, but it was cold enough to an excuse to be near one another.

"Before we go home," I start as I wrap my arm around hers, "would you mind if I took you somewhere?"

At first, she looks surprised; but that look is quickly replaced with a delighted grin.

"Of course I don't mind," she tilts her head slightly, "where do you want to go?"

I return her smile.

"I want it to be a surprise."

Our destination isn't far from here; downtown is so compact, you can get almost anywhere just by walking. With Monika's hand in mine, I lead her about two blocks up from the burger joint. We take a left, and we're here. The local performing arts center.

I didn't come to this theater often, but I knew enough about it to know that there was a beautiful grand piano displayed in the lobby, which was played during events and shows. On most nights, though, the poor thing would sit there quietly, looking pretty in the corner. I also knew that, on quiet nights like tonight when the center wasn't being used, if you asked someone at the front desk nicely they would give you the key and let you play the piano for as long as you'd like.

Monika could only stare in awe at the large building as we walked up to the glass doors. Untangling myself from her, I walk up and hold the door; Monika offers me a quick nod and whispers a "thank you" as she walks past me. Following her inside, I motion towards the front desk and she quickly trails behind me. I notice her glancing around, the piano catching her eye as I wait for the young woman at the desk to finish what she's doing. Monika stands behind me, staring at the piano, while I speak to the woman attending the desk. She gladly hands me the key and I thank her.

"Monika, sweetheart." I say as I turn towards her, taking her hand once again.

Before turning her attention back to me, she grips my hand.

"Is that why we're here?" She points to the piano with her free hand, a small smile on her lips.

"Yeah," I hold up the key, "I thought that maybe we could play for a little bit."

We head over to the other end of the room where the piano sat, Monika still following tucked away behind me. As I unlock and lift the fallboard, I watch Monika timidly take a seat on the bench; a bemused expression on her face.

"That song you were working on," I recall as I take a seat next to her, "did you ever get to finish writing it?"

Monika had mentioned not getting the chance to finish her song while she sat there in her classroom. But, if she managed to get a hold of all the information on my computer, she might have found a way to finish her song, right?

"I did, actually." She mutters, her eyes fixated on the piano; staring intensely at the keys. "It's just that— those last few lines. I guess I'll have to rework them now." She laughs quietly.

Now I feel stupid for bringing her here. I hadn't even thought about those last few lines of the song and what they meant to her. I nervously grip the plush seat beneath me. So, so stupid. After a few seconds of silence between us, I lift my hand to find the right key, I play the first few notes of a familiar tune. My fingers clumsily pick at the keys, until I stop, and pick up at another part that I knew how to play. Picking out the key, I press down.

"Every day," I mutter as I tap the key, "I imagine..." I stumble on the chords, my hands and mouth unable to work in tandem, "a... future where..."I let out a defeated groan as my hands slide off the keys before turning my attention to Monika again. Her gaze is now fixed on me; her eyes wide and cheeks turning a slight pink.

"Sorry, I, uh," I rub the back of my neck nervously, "I might have heard your song on the internet..."

"Oh... so you know how it ends, huh?" She sighs, turning her head back down.

"I-I'm sorry, Monika— do you want to go? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought you here. I just wanted to hear you play something."

"No, no!" She quickly looks back up at me, shaking her head. "Don't be, it's okay. I'm glad we're here. It means a lot to me that you'd want to hear me play... it's just that—" she looks away again and shifts around, tucking her hands underneath her knees, "I, uh... since I had some time on my hands, I wrote those lines just in case that if, one day, you got bored of me, I could tell you that I... I understood your decision."

The resignation in her voice makes my hair stand on end. That would explain why she finished the song in the first place.

"Monika— I never wanted that." I scooch closer to her.

She timidly glances back up at me.

"I would have been okay with it. I was okay with it." She swallows, trying to keep her composure. "More than anything I wanted you to be happy."

"I was happy." I say gently. "I never wanted you to leave me. I needed you, and now..." I take a deep breath, my chest tightening, "now you're actually here."

Monika repositions herself so she's facing me; reaching out and cupping my hands in her own. I take her hands willingly.

"I've never been so happy." I whisper.

She purses her lips as they turn into a soft smile.

"You're too good for me."

"I wish you wouldn't say things like that." I imitate her tone, pulling her hands closer to me.

Her smile broadens as she laughs quietly.

"I would have stayed like that with you. I wanted you to be happy, too." I breathe, gently moving her hands back towards her.

"I'm glad that we don't have to stay like that anymore." She says with a relieved sigh.

"Yeah," I smile affectionately at her, "me too."

Again, we're quietly smiling at one another. Both breathing steadily, hands clasped together. As she begins to turn back towards the piano, I release her hands.

"You know how you said I saved you, sweet pea?" I ask with a grin.

"Yeah?" She matches my smile when she hears me call her by this new nickname.

"You're really the one who saved me."

"Oh, don't be so dramatic."

"No, it's true!"

She giggles lightheartedly at my insistent tone. I bite my lip, still smiling, before speaking again.

"Monika."

She stifles her laughter and looks at me with a gentle, questioning expression.

"I mean it. You really did."

Monika blinks, looking at me with a bewildered expression. Not even a moment later that sweet smile and fond look in her eye that I'd seen so often these past two days returns to her face. She moves herself closer, leaning her shoulder into mine. Closing her eyes, she sighs.

"I'm glad we have each other."

I lean my head against hers.

"I am too."

About a minute or so passes before I pipe up again.

"You don't have to play your song, but," I turn my head to look at her, "could you teach me how to play the piano?"

She picks herself up, smiling at me.

"You saw how bad I was— I need lessons." I continue, moving my hands back to the keys.

"I'm still learning too!"

"Well then I'll get you lessons and then you can teach me."

With a smirk I turn my attention to the piano and randomly start picking on a few keys. Monika laughs, clearly amused with how fresh I was acting.

"You weren't bad, you know. I'm kind of surprised you knew the song so well."

Her sincerity suddenly makes me a lot less cocky.

"I listened to it a lot." I mutter as I involuntarily go from picking to gently tapping on the keys.

"Oh?" Monika turns her head down, trying to hide her blush. "I'm kind of embarrassed now— you know, since you had to hear the ending."

I take a deep breath, collecting myself so I can keep up my confident attitude.

"It's a wonderful song. You have a very beautiful singing voice."

Her blush deepens.

"You think so?"

"Of course I do." I reply frankly as I move my hands and play another little tune; a few chords from a video game I played when I was a kid.

I fumble again, noticing Monika out of the corner of my eye watching my hands and smiling. After messing up one too many times, I sigh again and let my fingers fall flat on the keys.

"Here," Monika giggles, lifting her hands and readying them on the keys, "once I get a chance to rework the song, I'll play it for you." She glances at me affectionately, smiling to herself, before returning her gaze to the keys in front of her. "But for now, I'll show you what I know."


End file.
